In the last hundred years, dating and sex lives have changed dramatically. We no longer marry with the purpose of bringing 14 children into the world who can help us with the tedious household and farm chores. The sole purpose of human beings since the beginning of time has been survival and procreation. From this point of view, women take the greatest risk in choosing the right partner because they are bound to the child. Therefore, men must prove themselves through power, intelligence, integrity, money, appearance, etc. Of the 6500 or so mammalian species, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds, so it is a rarity.
Why do humans search for a lifelong partner?
The main reason why people get involved in romantic relationships is that they (in most cases) seek a deep connection. At the same time, it is extremely difficult to maintain demand and care in a relationship, as most partners strive to make up for their shortcomings with their partner.
In an ideal world, you should have individual happiness and know each other well before entering into such a close relationship.
Don’t bypass the possibility of finding someone worthy, someone who can handle it, someone with whom you are compatible, and remember:
You don’t have to be perfectly compatible.
It’s not about dating until you find the right person, it’s about finding someone whose basic values and views match yours so that you fall in love with them. When you find that person, decide together to get out of this damn system that tells you what to think about love, romance, and sex, and ignore it.
Ignore it together you will end up laughing.
Tell yourself: “This thing I’ve decided to get into is complicated and difficult, but it’s worth it. It won’t be uninterrupted joy. No, it’s complicated as hell, but it’s worth it.”
Monogamy requires selflessness, respect, trust and honor — all things that are lacking in modern society.
According to LA Intelligence Detective Agency, 30 to 60 percent of married couples will cheat at least once in the marriage, with men having a higher infidelity rate.
The no.1 reason for men to cheat: “It just happened”
They were on a business trip out of town and caught a flirt in the hotel lobby for example, so it’s low risk, little effort, the optimal situation with a high dopamine reward.
The no. 1 reason for women to cheat: “unhappy on an emotional and physical level as well as with their current life situation and partner. They’re looking for an alternative in case of separation and have built up strong emotions towards the person with time.
Among men who are unhappy in marriage and those who are not, there were no deviations in the infidelity rate.
Nevertheless, only 2–3% of paternity tests result in surprises.
The four main reasons for separation are:
Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt, with contempt being the strongest predictor of separation.
However, there is of course room for criticism, for example, it depends on how often and how intensively it is expressed.
Defensiveness as a lack of empathy and failure to adopt the other position.
Stonewalling as cutting off emotions both ways.
Contempt as a feeling that the other person is worthless, therefore showing strong resentment toward the partner.
There are also many sub-categories of infidelity such as emotional or financial.
Emotional infidelity often describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated. This is sometimes even the worst form for women because it is a betrayal on an emotional level that they never thought possible.
Financial infidelity means spending money, having loans or credit cards, keeping secret accounts or stashes of money, borrowing money, or otherwise incurring debt without the knowledge of a spouse, partner, or other people.
In the TV show “Cheaters” partners are caught, often in Motels or Hotels, meeting up with someone of the opposite sex. The camera team then asks the deceived person if they want to confront their partner.
The first question men asked: “did you fuck him?”
The first question women asked: “do you love her?”
Women make very future-oriented decisions and invest in long-term relationships with the husband of their future children, that’s why it’s a bigger betrayal to cheat on an emotional base than on a physical one.
Why it’s so complicated to keep up romanticism
As soon as you think about sex, oxytocin is released, which reduces anxiety, provides security, creates a sense of well-being and increases perceptiveness. In addition, a “safety check” takes place in the prefrontal cortex of the woman whether a good connection has been established in the relationship and whether she is ready for it.
On one side you want safety, security, reliability, predictability and on the other side adventure, new, risk, surprises, unexpected, travel, mystery. To constantly meet both sides of the spectrum is an almost impossible task with a full-time job and other responsibilities.
When you ask people when they are most attracted to their partner they say “when we are apart or when we meet again”.
So one has a desire that is rooted in longing and the absence of the partner.
The second group said when “he/she is in his/her element and pursuing passion” or “when others envy him/her”.
To experience the partner as independent and self-confident and he/she is doing something that captivates him/her makes him/her interesting.
To desire someone is one thing, to need someone is a lust killer.
The third group said, when “we laugh together, when he surprises me, when something new happens”
So there is a paradox between love and desire, because exactly the ingredients for love, stifle the desire. Sexual privacy and foreplay are important — when you let off your responsible and stuffy side in the bedroom, passion arises.
You have to realize that sex is often planned in marriage, therefore spontaneity, focus and presence are ever more important in the act.
Every individual is really an unfathomable mystery.
“If you proceed cautiously, you may be able to rediscover enough mystery in the person you have chosen to keep alive that certain something that attracted you to each other in the beginning.
With a little caution, you can avoid pigeonholing each other, so that if one of you dares to break out of it, there is immediate punishment, and you despise each other for the resulting predictability that lurks just below the surface.
And if you’re lucky, you even catch another brief glimpse of what life could have been like if you were both better people than you really are.
Because that’s what happens when two people fall in love: For a while, both become better people than they are in reality, but then the magic wears off.
Both are given this experience as a gift. Both have their eyes open and can see what no one else sees. Such love gives a brief glimpse of what could be if the relationship remains authentic.
In the beginning, it is handed to one by fate as a gift, but it takes incredible effort to recognize it as a gift and to maintain it. Once it has been recognized, the goal is clear.” — Jordan Peterson